I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
