At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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