you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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