It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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