Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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