Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
