if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
