rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
