I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They took my balls.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
