Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
