Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I touched a dick in church today
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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