just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
