mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
