When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
