I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
