Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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