o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
