the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Girls should come with a carfax report
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
These tits shall not be calmed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
