I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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