where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
