stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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