Michael Bay diarrhea
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
