Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
