i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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