Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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