Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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