i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
