I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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