I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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