he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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