I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
