well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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