I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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