He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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