I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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