yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
