your room smells of hookers.
And success
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
