If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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