i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dicks are not precious.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
