ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
