can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
