I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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