just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
