yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
