Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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