He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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