My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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