I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
