When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
