Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
